5 Things Grown Up Men Should Know About Childrens Television

5 THINGS GROWN-UP MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT CHILDREN’S TELEVISION [from Chapter 14: Sympathy for the Devil: Children’s Television]

1. Elmo will redeem himself to you. After the introduction of the shrill first-person-phobic muppet in 1984, he became the instant object of hatred for anyone who had been a viewer of Sesame Street in its earlier days. We lived through the Tickle-Me craze thinking of the hairy little red guy as The Monster That Ruined Sesame Street. As a parent, though, you will come to see Elmo in a different light. You will not only come to appreciate how much your child adores him –– and she will –– but there’s a very good chance you will find yourself becoming somewhat endeared of the squeaky-voiced freak. He’s really quite charismatic. If any new Sesame character will ignite your fury, it’s Baby Bear.

2. Barney is watchable. Sure he’s goofy, overly saccharine, and has a freakishly large jaw even for a dinosaur, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get something out of watching his show. Viewed with an adult sense of humor, Barney & Friends works amazingly well as a spoof of musical theater. The dialogue is so corny, the musical numbers so forced, and the emoting by Barney’s human children cohorts so farcically over-the-top, that it can be hilarious. So if your child ends up a fan of the show, that might not be as bad a thing as you think. Your kid might just wonder why you’re laughing uproariously at BJ’s song about feeling lonely.

3. The rhythm is gonna get you. The theme songs to a lot of today’s big kids’ shows are eerily catchy. But if you catch yourself bopping along, fear not. One dad told me about a time he was walking down the street singing the Elmo’s World theme when he walked past another man in a business suit. The other guy joined in with him.

4. If it’s British, don’t expect to understand it. The Teletubbies were weird enough: They spoke their own gibberish language; they worshipped some kind of giant infant-headed sun; and their “adventures” didn’t seem to consist of much more than frolicking in a field and taking breaks to watch strange interstitials on each other’s bellies. Boobah is even worse. I defy anyone to explain Boobah. It appears to be about seven different colored fuzzy globules that live in a flying plastic ball and do nothing but bounce around like Oompa-Loompas on crack for the whole show. What you’re supposed to learn from this is beyond me.

5. You must be prepared for the possibility of being stumped by Blue’s Clues. While Joe (or Steve) sits in his Thinking Chair to contemplate the possible meaning of the day’s clues, if you find yourself shouting out answers as if you were watching Jeopardy! by yourself, you wouldn’t be the first guy to do so. The day you get the solution wrong, though –– in front of your child –– will precipitate a serious ego check.