Hell is Other People

HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE: The Unfortunate Necessity of Coming Out as an Expectant Dad
[from Chapter 1: The First Trimester]

    The end of the first trimester is often the point in the pregnancy when most couples start spreading the news. You may, of course, opt to come out earlier, as many do –– after all, it’s certainly tempting to brag about your impending fatherhood. And we should be grateful that our culture has evolved to a point at which men can freely show enthusiasm over the prospect of having a child –– and not just in the swaggering, thumbs-through-your-belt-loops, “That’s right, boys, I’m all man!” kind of way. But before you blow the whistle on the secret goings-on within your wife’s uterus, you should make sure you’re aware of what you’re getting into.

    Many men approach the prospect of parenthood with the adorably naïve assumption that it will involve only their children, their spouses, and themselves. In reality, however, as soon as Other People find out you are going to be a parent, they will forcibly insert themselves into your life. The words “We’re having a baby” can have a mind-altering effect on people, causing them to infer from that simple declarative sentence that you have just enlisted them as your official child-rearing counsel. You may be taken aback to see how many people, from siblings to baristas to random dudes at the bus stop, seem to look upon the parenting of your future child as a communal experience that gives them a right to voice their opinions. For a guy still trying to sort out his own feelings about the major life change he’s undergoing, these kind of intrusions can drive a father-to-be to distraction.

    Not all the people you meet will make you want to pack your bags and go Grizzly Adams. But the folks that can turn your fatherhood into a living purgatory will be out there, too, and announcing to them that you’re having a baby is like swimming off the Florida coast wearing a wetsuit made of chum. Survival –– at least mental survival –– depends upon being able to recognize the various types, the way a Bushman knows which snakes he can make a hoagie out of and which ones will spit poison into his eye from a hundred paces away.

The Rogues Gallery

• Platitude Spewers These perpetual smilers will be unable to speak more than two sentences without reminding you how blessed you are. Gift-shop wall-plaque slogans will burst forth from them uncontrollably, like some form of PAX-TV sponsored Tourette Syndrome.
    Typical Comment: “We might as well turn off the lights in here, ‘cause that little angel inside your wife is making her glow so bright she’s just about going to blind us all.”
    Can be recognized by their: Heads tilted to the side.
    May come in the form of: Elderly relatives, supermarket cashiers.
    Threat Level: Low to High, dependent upon length of encounter.

• Unsolicited Mentors This relentless lot consists of parents –– generally of grown children –– who will ply you with inappropriate advice that is spoken as if it came verbatim from a pediatrics textbook. Half of what they’re saying sounds as if it could possibly be true, the other half like something out of a handwritten manifesto confiscated by FBI agents in a deep-woods shack somewhere. These people may also force you to accept their hand-me-down Nixon-era sharp metal toys and fire-hazard nursery lamps.
    Typical Comment: “Sometimes when an infant can’t sleep it’s because their ears are clogged. It’s easy to take care of, though. You use turpentine –– just a little bit –– on the end of a napkin.”
    Can be recognized by their: Inability to read your expression.
    May come in the form of: Family friends, wacky neighbors.
    Threat Level: Possibly fatal.

• Head-Shakers Always childless themselves, Head-Shakers will riddle you with derisive comments that are supposedly in jest, but seem to carry the actual intent of making you run straight to the nearest adoption agency to sign up your unborn child. Such remarks may be accompanied by a faux punch on the arm. These people sense your impending departure from their lives.
    Typical Comment: “So I guess it’s goodbye to sex for you, huh?”
    Can be recognized by their: Rolling eyes, hangovers.
    May come in the form of: Barflies, club-hoppers.
    Threat Level: Light (unless they’re lit)

• Instant Strangers Both frustrating and bewildering, these acquaintances of yours will react to the news of your impending parenthood as if you’ve just told them you’d been receiving top-secret mental memos from telepaths on the asteroid Ceres. Suddenly, they will have no idea what to say to you. At all. Ever again.
    Typical Comment: “…”
    Can be recognized by their: Blank stares, slow backwards steps.
    May come in the form of: Social invalids you used to take pity on.
    Threat Level: Minimal. Worse for them.

• Belly-Touchers No one knows exactly what drives these people who have a preternaturally poor concept of personal space, but they somehow believe they have been sanctioned to feel your wife. They can strike at any moment, sometimes en masse, making a routine trip to the deli suddenly feel like a scene from Aliens. It will be nearly impossible, especially during the last trimester, to walk the aisles of a supermarket or wait in line at an ATM without the vigilance of a Secret Service agent, always ready to dive in front of your wife and take a pat on the tummy for her.
    Typical Comment: “Oooooh. Awwwww. Ohhhhhh.”
    Can be recognized by: Their outstretched arms and shambling zombie-like gait.
    May come in the form of: Anyone, anywhere.
    Threat Level: Medium to High, dependent on their numbers.

• Armageddonists Beware the parents of horrible children, for they would have you believe there is no other kind. Whether it be through lackluster parenting skills or an unfortunate jumble of DNA, these people are stuck with the kind of kids they made horror movies about in the ‘70s. To make themselves feel better about their hideous offspring, the Armageddonists will speak as if their hellspawn represented all the children of the world.
    Typical Comment: “For the first six months, they let you sleep 25 or 30 minutes a night. Enjoy it –– it only gets worse from there.”
    Can be recognized by their: Sticky, screaming toddlers punching you repeatedly in the thigh.
    May come in the form of: The dried out husks of once-vibrant people whose company you actually used to find pleasant.
    Threat Level: To be avoided at all costs.